Aug. 21st, 2012

The Sign

Aug. 21st, 2012 12:46 pm
caprices: (Default)
Forgot the best break-up song of all!

Oddly, I never really listened to this song before, just remember someone saying "it's weirdly upbeat for a song about breaking up", and now it is...exactly where I'm at. 

I, I gotta a new life
You would hardly recognize me I'm so glad
How could a person like me care for you?
(Why?) Why do I bother
When you're not the one for me
Ooo, is enough, enough?

I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes
I saw the sign
Life is demanding without understanding
I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes
I saw the sign
No one's gonna drag you up to get into the light where you belong
But where do you belong?

Under the clean moon
For so many years I've wondered who you are
How could a person like you bring me joy?
Under the pale moon
Where I see a lot of stars
Oooo, is enough, enough

I saw the sign and it opened up my mind!
And I am happy now living without you
I've left you, o-o-Oh!
I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes
I saw the sign
No one's gonna drag you up to get into the light where you belong.

So last year I did a tarot reading for myself, and it was a little more complicated than my usual situation-problem-solution layout, with more of a focus on the relationship. The relationship was taking an enforced break while other-person was off at language boot camp anyway. Enforced breaks have been the only way I get away from the smothering influence of the bizarre mix of adoration/ignorance to admit there is a problem. Realistically, I have known on some level there was a problem since the second week I was dating him, when all my stories fled. I assumed that they would come back, but they took their time and tended to hide at the vet school, until this spring when I started traveling.

So the tarot reading happened last summer. Tarot does the same thing as therapy, which is to say it asks, "Have you looked at it this way? Does that fit your situation?" I remember two cards distinctly, one that referred to the nature of the other person and one to the strongest quality of the relationship. So other-person's card came up as knight of pentacles, which with the deck I use looks like a guy riding a snail. It pretty much translated to someone set in his ways with tunnel vision. Oh.

Surely the strength of the relationship would be a good card though, right? Right? After all there were lots of good things in the relationship. Absence of abuse. Cuddling.

Hello, card of Death. Granted, again the deck is pretty good at allowing an ambivalent interpretation, and this one was a phoenix bursting into flame, but the rationalizing mechanisms still had to kick in pretty fast. "It's 'cause we're good at...dealing...with...change?"

It occurs to me now that this was all pretty much exactly a year ago. And while I am horribly distraught---or rather, hitting mental speed bumps etc. etc. how could I do this to someone I love etc. etc. although questions remaining on that score ahem *cough* going through the unpleasant justification phase of the break-up that reflects poorly on my character--- from this vantage point, I think the greatest strength of the relationship ultimately was that it ended.

The best tarot reading of all time was one I did this spring, which played a role in convincing me to break off my engagement and may have ended the relationship outright except no one should base major life decisions on random cards. That would be crazy!

1. The situation: Two of cups, a pair of lovers. That's where I was at yep yep. Engaged and everything.

2. The problem: Hanged man, a seeing things in a new light, a shift in perspective. Spot on, cards, well done! 

3. The solution: The Tower. Strike with lightning, releasing emotion, dispelling illusions. Raze to the ground. Well. Um. That is very definitive.

So really, the question is why did it take so long to get to that point? A friend pointed out to me that my lack of distress (although not lack of wanting to talk about it incessantly) following break-up day is because I've already gone through the phases of mourning the relationship. I was in denial for long enough, that's for sure.
Anger got transmuted into irritation, some of which is still coming out in obsessive blogging, some in satiric drawings, and quite a lot of it directed at myself, because you can't blame the golden retriever for doing puppy-eyes at you. It's just the way he is, he doesn't know any better.
Bargaining was actually a huge part of summer, with counseling and a lot of "well, we'll put off the wedding for, and let's not be engaged...tell you what, when the time is right, we'll get back to that question." Which was part of my mind was refusing to give up plans for future and, of course, cuddling.
Grief...honestly, I think I may have gotten this one out of the way when I was on prednisone and horrendously emotional.

Acceptance occurred last week when I got on the plane to go somewhere else, and the last bits of adoration/ignorance dropped away. Of course, I still needed a firm push from a friend to set a time for official relationship-ending talk, but that was simply so other-person can start his own mourning of the relationship. I have to say, working on essays for a week solid--it had to be done--made it easier.

And though I think I would have felt more morally in the right if I had broken-up earlier in the summer, from a logistics standpoint that would have made it way more traumatic. We were living in the same apartment, other-person was getting bummed from initial rejections of his job applications, and all plans felt nebulous and the future uncertain. Waiting two months got us into separate living spaces, got him into an exercise routine, and put him back into a social circle.

And now I'm tired of talking about it.

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