Oct. 17th, 2012

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 I wish my apartment let me have a cat.

I've been lonely this week, as demonstrated by being a little too eager to talk at length to friends despite not having much of interest to say, and by finding myself sequestered in my apartment for long periods of time. Going outside? I am not yet ready! I suspect I am still going to flip-flop a dozen more times this month on how I feel about boys, both in general and in specific. Sometimes I remember saying, "I really don't want to break up with you" and feeling that way again. But still, there was never anything he really seemed to like, aside from me, and there's something really uncomfortable about being in that sort of relationship.

So this week is taking a week off from thinking of relationships as something I am active in. Instead I am reflecting on the things I did in them and figuring out myself. When it gets too bad, I put on KT Tunstall and enjoy having hair that fluffs when I dance. It apparently takes me forever to make changes in my life, and then I find out I like them. My hair, case in point. Having cut it, finally, I suddenly want to try hair products and styling and, heaven forbid, using a hair blower! It makes for one of those huge/not huge/huge differences in self-perception.

Also now working on my planning&organizational skills that make me late all the time. Tardiness has gone from an inconvenience to a career-threatening pathology, and today I had the realization that not having a career is kind of sucking a bit, because student loans notwithstanding, it gets more frustrating not having cash flow for things like, oh, buying little mirrored wall decals so I can watch myself dance to "Black Horse and Cherry Tree." And the amount of time I waste (when not dancing) is becoming colossal.

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